Sunday, March 24, 2013

even in exile

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Before even recording my thoughts and sharing them I had to battle the fear of being honest with myself and you all, fear of being judged, and the fear of being seen as a whiny or weak person but I decided I am weak and that is when He shines brightest within me so I am going to be real.  I have had lots of time to think about this as I have spent the past 4 weeks lying in a dark room longing for relief. Sharing helps me process and validate that this time is not wasted even as I am struggling to believe.  I also want other women who suffer with HG that they are not alone or crazy. I have talked with other women and read their stories of those whom have endured this condition and felt more “normal” without having to be defensive or watch everything I say lest it be misunderstood or misconstrued. Many of you have asked about HG and many of you are praying for me and for that I cannot adequately thank you.  There is no standard definition of HG but the typical case involves excessive nausea and vomiting, total body weight loss of more than 5%, ketones in the urine, dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, and carbohydrate depletion. And many women also face depression and negative feelings which is fairly expected when you puke your guts out and blow stomach acid out of your nose for weeks and months.

The glow some women get in pregnancy completely eludes me but that may just because I had suppositories inserted by nurses every 4 hours for the past 5 days and really did not care because I was so dehydrated and out of it. My right now is something I am barely able to cope with.  The constant nausea, dizziness, and light and motion sensitivity are horrible.  The only relief I feel is when I sleep and many nights dream about feeling normal only to wake up and be hit with a wave of nausea that brings the harsh reality of tears to my eyes. I have not worn make-up in weeks and can only manage to shower every few days.  I struggle to stand that long and washing my hair is impossible because of the smell of the shampoo. I struggle to brush my teeth because the smell of toothpaste or putting the actual brush in my mouth brings on vomiting. It is not pretty folks.  I can barely eat or drink. Eating is so central to our lives but when you cannot do it everything about your life is altered. It is so ironic because although I cannot eat I spend nearly every minute I am awake obsessed with thinking about what I could eat or what I would eat if only I could.  The mental and emotional suffering is kicking my butt.  So far I spent 9 hours at the ER and have been admitted to the hospital for IV treatments and too many meds to count 2 separate times.  After the first time I was admitted we went home and I lasted about 5 days before I was unable to eat or drink at all and only went pee once a day.  I am now back at the hospital going on my 4th day and hoping they will release me tomorrow if our insurance will agree to a home Zofran subcutaneous pump and home IV care.
I'm only 10 weeks and I cannot help being overwhelmed by how much of this pregnancy is left. I feel like my life is still happening around me but I am unable to participate and it is devastating.  You lose perspective when you are so sick and you just want it to be over. Being so sick has robbed me of being excited or happy about this baby; that although completely unplanned is anything but unwanted. But the truth be told I do not even think of this as a pregnancy yet but as a disease that is ruining my life. Almost like an alien has invaded my body and ruined my health. I am usually an active, optimistic, “make it happen” kind of person but HG steals from you.

In all of this I am wrestling a bit a ton with God.  But I feel like God is asking me if I will only praise Him in the promised land or if I will praise Him in exile as well. To be honest some days I am able to pray and worship Him and some days I just shake my fist at God and cry.  How fickle am I when I know what He has saved and restored and brought me through in my life.  I am being asked to trust that He will give me and my family the strength for each day because thinking about anything past right now is made impossible. The best advice I received is that I will not always feel the way I do right now but that to get to that point I need to get through the right now.  And the right now is painful and hard but I trust God does not bring anything into my life that He cannot redeem.
RoxanneSignature

5 comments:

The Blackley Tribe said...

Roxi, I pray for you multiple times a day, read EVERY care page that comes! Please know you are NOT forgotten about, by others, but most importantly God! Love to you, friend.

Kim said...

Brave and beautiful because it's honest-love you, Dear Friend, we're praying and trusting and hoping....

Rachel Einfeldt said...

Praying for you! In the midst of this loooong exile, you are still loved, by God, by your family, by your friends and neighbors. While I didn't have HG, my "morning" (ha) sickness was pretty intense (if I try to amplify that by a bajillion to imagine what you might be going through....wow. PRAYING!). I remember thinking many times that it felt like I had a really terrible parasite. (and being someone who grew up in Africa, I've had a few of those in my life) You can make it, one deep breath, one hug, one night's sleep at a time.

Cha Cha B said...

How this quote resonates with me, "But I feel like God is asking me if I will only praise Him in the promised land or if I will praise Him in exile as well. To be honest some days I am able to pray and worship Him and some days I just shake my fist at God and cry."
I love you, dear Rox. Love you and thank you for being honest. It is through our honesty that God works. So many times I just cry out to Him for my comfort when everything around me just seems to be falling apart, but I know that it has been through the suffering that God has changed me and made me even more beautiful. Hang in there, dear friend. You are dearly loved by many and we are praying for you. Don't give up. I am here ANYTIME you need.

Austrian Adventure said...

Roxanne, thank you for sharing honestly how you are doing. You have been on my heart and in my prayers a lot since I heard about your being pregnant. You are loved in Austria!