This has been a long time coming.
After two really rough, exhausting, and depleting pregnancies I had put on my big girl pants and just kept on keepin' on. It helps that I like to stay busy so I can avoid thinking of all the hard and messy stuff and having small ones keeps me crazed and occupied most of the time. But rather gaining distance from the pain and moving toward healing I was feeling crushed and slipping into anxiety, darkness, and fear.
But this is what I know for sure: God is relentless in His pursuit of us. Jesus came to bring healing and wholeness but we have to know we are sick and seek restoration. It is not forced on us. I really believe He designs us to seek healing and the further we get away from that healing and the source of it the more our pain surfaces and the more we have to either go darker and deeper to bury it or allow the truth to emerge and look straight at it and beg for and welcome peace. This past few months have been a process of digging up the buried (but always hovering at the surface fear) pain, grief, anger, disappointment, and loneliness.
We cannot cancel out the difficult and only focus on the good because that is not a full picture of redemption. We also cannot allow the bad to gain so much power in our souls that it forever colors the good. It is all blessing if we ask for the eyes to see it but that requires bravery and honesty. The good does not mean the bad did not precede it and the bad does not mean the good is any less amazing. But they both exist, they hold hands, and are intimately intertwined in every great story. Pain precedes glory so often in God's kingdom. For so long I felt like I could not hold them both in my heart together. I can. And I am. And it is bringing me deep healing and a new appreciation for just how God wants and craves to sit with us through everything. All of it. Today I want to encourage anyone walking around with a burden you are not meant to carry alone to seek wholeness and peace. It will cost you; your pride, maybe, the fear that is strangely familiar and comforting, definitely but you will see just how much you are cherished and loved. And you are not alone even though the whisper in the darkness tries to convince you otherwise. I am a mess. But a mess that is closely held and being restored over and over again by my savior. I am still in process but feel so much freedom that it wants to spill out because I can now say, even with shaky confidence that this pain will not dictate my future. Because God wants to heal us so that our radically broken and changed lives point to Him, so that we are better able to usher in peace in a world that is so hurting, so that we can be the women, daughters, mothers, wives, and friends that we were created to be.
Healing & blessing friends,