I am in a better place these days. Maybe it is because I had a chance to vent and cry and talk and pray with a sister here. Maybe it is because the social worker is finally answering her phone and while she still has no answer at least I can celebrate some communication...small steps. Maybe it is because I had a great day with 4 South Africans that are here on vacation and volunteered to give up a day of precious beach time to come to my house and treat and buy medicines for the stream of our neighbors who heard a few Wazungu doctors were around. Maybe it is because after 2 funerals in 3 days I had a great visit out in a village with kids climbing trees and chasing chickens and I remembered there is a lot about this place I love. Maybe it is because I took a few days to fast ('tis the season after all) and it allowed me to put my focus where it should be. Maybe it is because J is on a plane as I type and I miss him. A lot.
Mostly though I think I just needed a few days and a few reminders that what I see is not all there is. God is good and His ways are not my ways and I am always thankful for reminders of His grace where ever they can be found. And although my feelings often take over and reduce me to a whiny and blobbering mess I know that His timing is right. I was so encouraged through friends, a call from J, a conversation with a woman at the hospital, a comment here from a stranger in cyberspace, a dream about a friend here, even a cheesy email forward that I usually delete before reading the subject line. God works in the infinite and the seemingly finite.
Yesterday I spent nearly 6 hours at a clinic with my friend who is pregnant. Two days ago I woke up in the early morning hours with this overwhelming feeling I had to pray for her. That morning I got in the car and drove to see her because she was still on my heart. She was not there but I met her husband who said she had been sick and feeling really bad since the night before and we made plans to take her to the hospital the next day. Long story short I decided that instead of waiting all day at the government hospital where you may or may not be seen and if you are seen you may or may not be actually examined and then you may or may not be given the correct diagnosis or medicines we would try to go see this Russian doctor who everyone says is great at treating women. I called and she had just arrived back in the country and would see us! We got on the list and waited and waited while people came in to the clinic with various ailments. One man with a wound on his foot that had obviously been bleeding terribly for hours and as I watched him limp in and drench the floor where we were waiting with his blood I thought about how much God has protected me from that I am completely unaware of. How many times His hand has been over situations for my children and family and how many times I have focused only on the stuff that could be better instead of the stuff that is a gift. After a consultation and 6 different tests we found out my friend does in fact have some issues that without treatment can affect her health later and the health of her pregnancy. She apologized many times for taking so much of my time and that it was “pesa nyingi” (a lot of money…which in the end all in all cost about 26 dollars with medicines included). She thanked me again and again and called a friend to say she had received such good care. I explained that truly God had provided and we should only thank Him. And we did. I drove her home and we explained everything to her husband. We made plans to go back to the clinic in 2 weeks for a recheck. As we were talking she grabbed my hand in sincere thanks. That made everything worth it. It was a good day. When you feeling stuck in your head and sorry for yourself I highly recommend stepping out and loving someone else in the midst of their hurt. It helps and it heals and it reminded me I have so much to be grateful for and that I do have so much joy to share. God is good and faithful even when I am a whiny sad mess. And this adoption journey is still completely on hold and out of my control and I will walk through it even though I would rather hold my breath and run. I will trust there are gifts waiting to be opened and invaluable lessons to be learned along the way. His ways are higher than mine, His thoughts higher than mine. A good reminder of Grace that came just at the right time.