a bit of honesty

I have a newborn. Well, she is 5 weeks old now and she is beautiful and a blessing. But I am remembering why I am not a big fan of the newborn stage. I felt this way the first time around but then was too concerned about being a "bad mom" to admit it. I am over feeling that way. I feel a lot more freedom now. Why do we mothers spend so much time in guilt-ville? We compare and feel guilt. We struggle and feel guilt. We fail and feel guilt.

The truth is I love kids especially my girls who are undeniably adorable little people and amazing blessings that God has entrusted to me and J. But we all know how I feel about pregnancy. And the first months are pretty hard for me. I am still struggling with my milk supply as I did with Annikah and while I am committed to working through it it is hard to feel like I cannot provide for my baby. Feeling like a dairy cow is getting old especially having to whip out my boob through layers of clothes a billion times everyday. The sleep deprivation is nothing compared to the HG nausea but is beginning to take it's toll. Add in the other newborn issues; gas, fussiness, and epic baby blowouts (seriously how does Evy poop UP TO HER NECK) and I am just spent.

Newborns are unpredictable and I like to know what is next, what to expect, how I can plan, the flow. Once they can offer feedback, smile, communicate, laugh, even be naughty I just enjoy being a mama more. I think it is hard for me because this stage can make me feel powerless. Like the hours you spending rocking, bouncing, nursing, burping, and holding sort of in an unpredictable succession unsure of what they really need or want. The other night in complete exhaustion I cried because after trying my arsenal of Mama powered soothing techniques Evy was still upset. inconsolable. Then we were both crying and it was just no good.

Overall, this time around it is much easier. Maybe because I know myself more. Maybe because I know more of what to expect. Maybe because I am more laid back. Maybe it is because Evy is (oh, please Lord let it be true) "easier" so far. Maybe it is because I have an adorable helpful older daughter and a supportive and concerned husband. But still, honestly it is hard. I am trying to savor every moment as I know this stage will pass and I will long for the days of smelling a sweet newborn bald head, or snuggling with a baby that I can cradle in one arm, or that tight but tiny hand gripping my finger, and those quiet and sweet moments spent nursing her in the middle of the night. I remind myself it will go quickly. Savor, cope, love, breathe, and enjoy.