the story of my ink.
The memory is still so fresh in my mind. I can smell of sterile sheets and hopelessness in my room. I can hear the annoying beeps from the Zofran pump and the clicking shoes of the nurses coming and going every 30 minutes. I can close my eyes and imagine the constant dizziness. In a dark hospital room about 3 years ago I was desperate. For my story to be different, for something to change, for relief, for a way out. God did not provide the things I thought I needed at the time but I believe He spoke.
After having a PICC line inserted I could not stop crying or shivering. But I was so dehydrated that no tears were coming. The one thing I do so often: crying was not even possible. I was so depressed and felt terribly alone. I closed my eyes and saw a beautiful colorful vision that gave me some sense that this was not without purpose. I felt warmth all over my body and saw the world and the universe but it was insanely colorful and dripping away like a painting. The 2 verses that came to me where "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you" and "But take heart, I have overcome the world."One from John 14 and one from John 16. Words that brought me comfort and peace that although I would not find the rescue I sought in that moment I had already been rescued and was free. And no matter where I go or what happens I am not alone. Ever. Jesus has overcome this world that is beautiful and broken at the same time. And all is fading away. It was a peace in the midst of such darkness I never wanted to forget and finally almost 3 years later I have a permanent reminder. No one knew about this vision, even Jason had no idea what tattoo I was getting or the specifics of the story.. He only knew that when he visited me in the hospital the next day I told him I felt such peace and that God wanted me to get a tattoo (I'm pretty sure he attributed that to being on a tons of meds at the time :). But almost 3 years later and I knew it was time. The day before I went to get my tattoo I reread all my journal and blog entries from then (here, here, here and here). And I cried. Because at that time and space in my story I could never imagine an outcome where I felt peace or healing. My emotions were raw for so long but I can say I have experienced healing and redemption. It does not erase the darkness but the darkness enabled me to more clearly see the Light.
And I found this picture....and I knew I want to always remember and mark all that He has done.
I'm liking this view a whole lot more than the IV, tape, and hospital band but every time I look down I am reminded that He was present and with me during a dark time and that time was not wasted...it has been and is being redeemed. This tattoo was a bit like therapy for me and it was a long time coming.
After having a PICC line inserted I could not stop crying or shivering. But I was so dehydrated that no tears were coming. The one thing I do so often: crying was not even possible. I was so depressed and felt terribly alone. I closed my eyes and saw a beautiful colorful vision that gave me some sense that this was not without purpose. I felt warmth all over my body and saw the world and the universe but it was insanely colorful and dripping away like a painting. The 2 verses that came to me where "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you" and "But take heart, I have overcome the world."One from John 14 and one from John 16. Words that brought me comfort and peace that although I would not find the rescue I sought in that moment I had already been rescued and was free. And no matter where I go or what happens I am not alone. Ever. Jesus has overcome this world that is beautiful and broken at the same time. And all is fading away. It was a peace in the midst of such darkness I never wanted to forget and finally almost 3 years later I have a permanent reminder. No one knew about this vision, even Jason had no idea what tattoo I was getting or the specifics of the story.. He only knew that when he visited me in the hospital the next day I told him I felt such peace and that God wanted me to get a tattoo (I'm pretty sure he attributed that to being on a tons of meds at the time :). But almost 3 years later and I knew it was time. The day before I went to get my tattoo I reread all my journal and blog entries from then (here, here, here and here). And I cried. Because at that time and space in my story I could never imagine an outcome where I felt peace or healing. My emotions were raw for so long but I can say I have experienced healing and redemption. It does not erase the darkness but the darkness enabled me to more clearly see the Light.
And I found this picture....and I knew I want to always remember and mark all that He has done.
I'm liking this view a whole lot more than the IV, tape, and hospital band but every time I look down I am reminded that He was present and with me during a dark time and that time was not wasted...it has been and is being redeemed. This tattoo was a bit like therapy for me and it was a long time coming.
images by my friend Jamie
Comments